Business and computer definitions (with a twist!)

A Town in Iceland Made an Optical Illusion Crosswalk to Slow Traffic

• ability: The virtue you are forced to use if your boss has no daughter.

• advertising: The art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.

• all new: Not compatible with earlier versions.

• ambiguity: The lack of clarity in speech, or something like that.

• argument: An exchange of words between people with diametrically opposed views, all of whom know that they are right.

• boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

• civil servant: Someone who isn't civil and doesn't serve.

• clicklexia: A disorder often suffered by novice computer users in which they have a tendency to double-click on items which only require one click, often resulting in two items opening instead of just one.

• clone: 1. An exact duplicate; "Our product is a clone of their product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy; "Their product is a clone of our product."

• committee: An entity that keeps minutes and loses hours.

• compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

• computer: An electronic time-saving device that is commonly used for time-wasting activities.

• computer expert: Someone who has not read the instructions, but who will nevertheless feel qualified to install a program and, when it does not function correctly, pronounce it incompatible with the operating system.

• design: What you later regret not doing.

• dictionary: The only place where success comes before work.

• Digital: the art of counting on your fingers

• egosurfing: Typing your own name into google to see who's talking about you.

• feature: A hardware limitation, as described by a marketing representative.

• flow chart: A graphic representation of a bowl of spaghetti.

• hardware: The parts of a computer which can be kicked.

• inbox: A catch basin for everything you don't want to deal with, but are afraid to throw away.

• instruction manual: An explanation of how to use something written in a way that is easily understood only by the author.

• jury: Twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

• life insurance: term for a plan that keeps you poor all your life so you can die rich

• management consultant: Someone who tells you how to do improve doing something that he or she can't do at all.

• meeting: An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve a problem.

• mouse: An input device designed to make computer errors easier to generate.

• negotiate: To seek a meeting of the minds without the knocking together of heads.

• password: Series of letters and numbers written on a post-it note and stuck on a monitor.

• recursive: See recursive.

• ROM: Where the Pope lives

• search engine: A program that enables computer users to locate information and advertisers to locate computer users.

• self-employed: Jobless.

• state of the art: Anything that you can't afford.

• strategy: A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime after those creating it have left the organization.

• unfair competition: Selling more cheaply than we do.

• wisdom: Knowing what to do with what you know.

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